Lately, my life has been overwhelmingly stressful. I am on the search for a new full time job after being let go for unclear reasons from my last job ( so send any opportunities my way.) I am going to be kicked off my mom’s health insurance plan in about six months when I turn 26, which is terrifying to a person with a pre-existing condition.
In addition to the currently unsuccessful job search, it is the middle of holiday season. In the past the holidays have been a time of year I looked forward to, but since my dad passed away it has been a season I dread. Nothing is the same and nothing feels happy. My mom doesn’t want to put in the effort of decorating or even really celebrating the holidays at all. This whole situation has caused me more stress than my body needs right now, I cry simply thinking about about waking up on Christmas morning and nothing happening. There won’t be presents or a special breakfast, and up until today there wasn’t even going to be a tree. Christmas was a time when my dad and I would go cut down a tree, bring it in the house and decorate it with the family. It wasn’t always the easiest task, but it was important. It meant something. And I always looked forward to it.
Luckily, my mom compromised on getting an artificial tree. My family’s very first fake tree. It is defiantly not the same, but when I finished setting up the tree and I plugged in the lights. I stood back to admire my work. I felt an immediate sense of calm. It isn’t as good as a real tree. And the holidays will never feel the same again. But small traditions still mean something. If you completely give up on all your family traditions after a loss in the family, it will only make your grief worse. Instead of continuing to live, you have decided to let your pain take over.
It will never be the same. And this year my be more stressful than most. But I am thankful for the life I have and the family who surround me.