Staying Positive is Hard Work

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Checking in from my January 1st post, I began this year with a new perspective. 2017 had forced me to grow up a great deal. Actually, my life since graduating from Temple University has been a series of big life-changing events. One after the other, some good, some bad, but all stressful. Change is stressful.  2018 has been better than 2017.

I landed a full-time job which I greatly enjoy. I am definitely happy with this company and love the people I work with. It’s a nice change. Working in a car dealership wasn’t horrible, however, it was difficult being surrounded by things that reminded me of my dad. And the job itself was often unnecessarily stressful. My new position is fun. I laugh every day. I am surrounded by art, which I enjoy. I am surrounded by awesome people, which is the most important part of being happy at a job.  Professionally, things are looking up.

Personally, things are good as well. I have a great support system. However, I still have moments of weakness. And I am often too hard on myself.

I don’t think I will ever be the same person I was before my dad died, or even before my open-heart surgery. And that’s okay. People change and people grow. I am not a completely different human being, but I have changed. And I am still very much in the healing process, which may never end. It still hurts every part of me when I think about my dad never coming home again. And part of me may even feel guilty. I was able to get my heart fixed, why wasn’t he? I find myself crying out of no where for no reason other than I miss him. That may never go away. Every time I hear my mechanical heart valve click, I think of him. Recently, I have found myself very aware that he isn’t here. Some days go by and I don’t think of it. I am too busy living life, but recently I can’t stop thinking about him and  I am not sure why. Possibly, just part of the process. This has had me feeling more anxious than normal, more tired, and more drained. Hence, why I am taking the time to write this out and re-center my thoughts.

I need to re-focus and get back on track. Summer is approaching. I love summer. It means warmth, sun, and beach. My 25th birthday happens this summer and I am already filling my calendar with fun and exciting plans. I am looking forward to summer, being outside more, and just enjoying life. I am hoping it will allow me to focus on positive thoughts, growing myself as a person, and growing within my new job. I want to focus on moving forward, while not forgetting to enjoy the moment. We all get off track at times, but it is important to pull ourselves back, take a moment to regroup, and continue towards the ultimate goal: Live Happily.

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